remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
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