Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
