so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Randomize
