After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
