There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
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