I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
