Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
