I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
