Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize