At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
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