We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
