At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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