Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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