he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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