Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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