I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
