you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
My liver is preforming stress tests.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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