he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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