I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Randomize