I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
