Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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