Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Randomize
