I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
