you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
