Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Randomize
