remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
