brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
