I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
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