please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
