He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
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