yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
