I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
