my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
