I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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