I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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