she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Randomize
