i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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