i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
