I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize