we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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