Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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