the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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