If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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