the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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