dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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