Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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