the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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