I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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