he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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