My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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