Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
