Banned from zoo.
Again?
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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