Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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