Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize