I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
I'm at about main and main street
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
Randomize
