Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Less talking, more tequila
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
