I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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