I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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