Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Randomize
