Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
