Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
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