Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
