i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
